“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”
Lao Tzu
The alarm is ringing. The sound echoes in my mind as I peel my crusty eyes open and see that I am already late for another day at work. I’m giving a presentation today. A proposal. I’ve been grinding for a while, reaching for the next promotion.
I get dressed, arrange my hair into an acceptable shape, and rush out the door. The drive to work is hectic. I stop on the way for a coffee. On the merging lane, someone gives me the finger as I speed by them. I try to shrug it off, but I carry a sinking feeling in my stomach as I pull into the parking lot.
Now that I’m at work, it’s time to fashion my façade. I pretend I’m excited for the day instead of dreading it. I pretend to listen when I’m bored. I pretend I feel confident in these uncomfortable clothes. I pretend I love the hustle. I pretend I’ll go crazy if I don’t have a job to fill at least ten hours of my day. I pretend these shoes I wear to add two inches to my height aren’t killing me. I pretend to smile when my coworker tells a misogynistic joke. In my head, I knee him in the balls.
It’s time for the presentation. A stagnant anxiety overtakes my body. I realize my hands are shaking. There’s a tightness in my throat as I stumble through my memorized pitch. I look around the room, pretending to make eye contact. My boss is there, along with my boss’s boss. I count nine white men around the table, each one judging my worth. The presentation ends. The nine white men are mildly pleased. As I force a final smile, I realize I can’t feel my hands.
I exhale my rush of nerves as I sit down in my cubicle. I pretend to read emails, but soon my neck grows weary and I lay my head down on my desk. All around me, voices chatter. As I close my eyes, the chatter simplifies into an indistinct droning. The world slips away.
§
My eyes are open. I walk through a forest. Large red trunks are gilded by the afternoon sun. I can’t hear anything at first but sounds slowly trickle in as my ears awaken. The forest is alive with insects humming and birds jabbering. A light breeze guides a stream of violet butterflies. Some of them stop to tickle my skin with their tiny tongues. I can feel each brushing movement of their wings and legs as they dance away.
I realize I am dragging an animal along the ground behind me. The burden is small compared to the serene strength coursing through my body. There is a clearing ahead. I walk calmly toward it, ferns kissing my legs. I smile as I enter the village. Home. I lay my weapons down and drop off the carcass to be prepared by the cooks. They welcome me back with pride. I become an official member of the tribe tonight.
The ceremony begins. I lay on the altar, surrounded by my family. The shamanka begins the chanting ritual. My tribe hums the chords and the shamanka presses a hot coin onto my forehead. A flowing heat spreads over my skin, like warm molasses. The humming turns into singing. Feet are stomping and drums are thumped in rhythm, louder and louder. The music comes to a crescendo as my family lifts me and carries me to the fire to eat our dinner. I feel an immense sense of belonging. The faces around me… they found me.
I breathe in the delicious scent of the baptismal meal. The food is spiced to perfection. We eat around the fire. I am the newest soul in the tribe now. We tell each other our tribe’s history, albeit embellished, with interjections from the elders about inaccuracies and additional details. My Amante comes to sit beside me. I smile at them and they smile back. My chest fills with happiness. We praise Peshta, the goddess of fire, and drink our spirits. The taste is sharp and bright. Laughter grows louder as the fire turns to coals. I laze off to my shelter for the night. As I am falling asleep, I thank the gods for their generosity.
§
I’m awake again, but I’m afraid to open my eyes. My thoughts are confused. I guess I fell asleep. What was that dream? It was so powerful and vivid. I’ve never felt a connection like that. I had a home in a place I have never seen. The feeling of belonging is replaced by longing in my heart.
I take account of where I am. My forehead is still on the desk. I expect to feel some pain as I open my eyes and right myself, but none comes. I would have thought I’d at least have a headache, but my body feels strangely weightless. I look around and see that everyone is gone from the office. I am surprised that no one cared to wake me as they left. When I stop in the bathroom before heading out, I see in the mirror that there’s a large circular mark on my forehead. Classic. I touch it and it feels warm yet numb.
It’s already late, so I rush home, picking up dinner on the way. My family and I gather around our kitchen table. I ask my children how their day was and what they learned at school. I forget their answers nearly as soon as they come out of their mouths. My thoughts are adrift. Dinner tastes like… What does it taste like? It’s hard to say. There’s some texture there, like oatmeal mixed with tapioca pudding. Mostly mush.
After dinner, it’s chore time. My partner gets the children to sleep while I do laundry and clean the dishes. The hours flash by as I repeat my mundane tasks. I am fatigued despite napping earlier. My partner asks me if I would be open to having sex. Anxiety burbles up in my chest and throat, along with a dash of shame. I could say no, but I consent. It’s over shortly. Afterward, I fall asleep watching television on the couch, with my legs hanging off the edge. My calves fall asleep. Numbness overtakes my body and my eyes close.
§
It is night. I open my eyes, remembering a curious dream. Everything had felt so numb. I shudder, and the dream fades as I look into my Amante’s clear eyes.
They look back at me. Their warm hands slide up my hips. My heart is thundering and my blood is fire spreading to the very tips of my fingers and toes. All I can feel is pulsing. The fire inside of me desires to spread further. We hold each other. Our quiet moans fill the shelter. Their hot breath reaches my ears.
As I lay back down, relishing the warmth of the shelter, I suddenly realize the village seems more quiet than usual. I begin to hear cries in the distance. Fear drops into my stomach and my eyes go wide as I run out of the shelter into the night. I see the attackers. One throws a spear at me, I narrowly dodge it. I scream a murderous war cry and sprint to my weapons. I see my family fighting the attackers, but we are not prepared for this. The tribe has been slow to react. It is all happening too fast to process. Adrenaline pumps through my veins as I shoot them down with arrows. My hands do not shake. I switch to my knives as I run into the clamor, cutting my opponents down and not looking back.
Behind me, someone strikes my lower legs with a hatchet. I turn, but my legs give out; the gashes are deep through both of my calves. My mouth fills with the bitter taste of death. My assailant stands over me and grins, showing his sharpened teeth. I snarl at him.
Before there’s time for my life to flash before my eyes, the attacking clan retreats as quickly as they came. Then the pain starts. I feel the scream coming from deep within me before it reaches my throat and reverberates. The last thing I see is my Amante’s almond eyes hovering over me before I blackout.
§
Breath comes in jagged rasps as I awaken. My heart hammers my rib cage. A fog of confusion shadows my mind. Was that another dream? The fear and horror persist within my body. I realize I’m grasping my legs, and that they are both still there, but I cannot feel them. Slowly, slowly, my heart and breathing rate decrease.
The late afternoon sun cascades through the windows. Still lying on the couch, I replay the dream in my mind, the rush of fear, adrenaline, and power now draining away. I find myself wishing my mundane life had more meaning.
I guess I missed work today. The white men won’t be pleased. I try to stand, but my feet are completely numb and I sit down hard on the floor. I still can’t feel anything and begin to chuckle, and then to cackle. The sound of nervous laughter hits my ears, but it sounds like it’s coming from underwater.
I look around. I remember with a jolt: Where are the kids? Do I need to call their school? I look desperately around for my phone. My thoughts are not in any discernible order. I try yelling for help, but nothing comes out. I grope the coffee table to push myself up and stagger towards the hallway. My numb legs fold and I crash to the ground. There’s a hot rush of blood in my mouth before everything goes black.
§
I wake with a start and brush aside the thoughts of children I don’t have. It was just another meaningless dream. The pain registers before I even open my eyes, but when I do, my Amante is there. Their bright eyes are filled with tears, but a tiny smile is hiding on their lips. I try to return it, but my legs are throbbing so much that my ears start ringing. I look down and see the covers are stained bright red. I try to hold on to my consciousness and tamp down the dizziness.
We are in the infirmary. It is daylight again. It looks like half the tribe is here — the attackers did much damage. Everyone around me is either grieving or unconscious. My heart sinks even deeper with worry. Our tribe is small compared to the other clan. We will not win another battle.
At that thought, one end of the infirmary is ripped open, and the cult is here, in their bloody red and black armor. The screaming begins. Chaos rips through my body. My Amante stands to fight, strong and courageous as ever. For a second, pride flickers above the fear in my chest. We are outnumbered greatly; it will be a massacre. I lurch out of my bed but my legs won’t carry me. I watch from the ground as my Amante is stabbed through the stomach. A desperate kind of panic propels me. I crawl towards the attacker, committed to die protecting my Amante. I look into his eyes, and at those strangely sharp teeth. His cruel grin falters as I bellow my war cry once more. He brings the knife down, down, down, down.
